Robin McLean - FISH OBITUARIES (RESURRECTED)

ZOMBIE INVASION

September 27, 2014

Can Zombie's have an Obit?

What Fish Obits editors do at night....

DISPATCH SUNDERLAND/ CAPTAIN DJ WELLMAN REPORTING VIA MORSE CODE SINCE ZOMBIES CUT SATELLITE LINK/ RADIOS ALSO DOWN/ WE ARE ENCAMPED IN SWAMPLAND NEAR MIKE'S MAZE/ MONITORING ZOMBIE HORDE ON RIVER BANK AT WARNERVILLE/ THE TOWN IS DESTROYED/ ZOMBIES FEASTING IN GRAVEYARD/ TOWN DUMP/ FARMS / HOMESTEADS/ EXTREMELY HIDEOUS AGGRESSIVE SLATHERING VERY HUNGRY/ LARGER SWARMS ARRIVING NIGHTLY FROM POINTS NORTH ALONG EAST SIDE OF CONNECTICUT/ HAVE TAKEN ALL RESIDENTS IN THEIR PATH/ HORRIBLE CARNAGE/ SCIENTISTS SENT OUT WITH SIRUM HAVE ONLY ADDED TO THEIR NUMBER/ APPEAR TO BE BUILDING BRIDGE OF THE DEAD/ MUST PREVENT A CROSSING FOR AGGRESSION WESTWARD/ WE MUST HAVE NIGHT PATROL/ REPEAT/ MUST HAVE MIGHT PATROL/ TRANSPORTS READIED FOR NIGHT MISSION AT 19.00 TONIGHT/ SEND BEST SHARP SHOOTERS ONLY/ SEND BRAVEST ONLY/ SEND THOSE WHO CARE FOR THE FUTURE OF OUR WORLD / CPT JD WELLMAN Read More

2 Comments

Post a comment

THE RED BOOK

September 20, 2014

THE MISSING TEXT?

The First in a Series of Book Hunt posts, this one by Margaret, a Librarian in Fairbanks and North Pole Alaska, concerning Imaginary Customers, Inter-generational Rivalry, Red Books, the Almost-Completely True v. the Not-Entirely False, Horses as Compelling Even in the Digital Age, the Vagueness of Youth v. Approximated Recollections, the Power of Lunar Cycles, and the Joy of Finding Lost Objects.

So, as library employees, we often joke about the fictitious patron who comes in and asks for that book that's green and is about trees, or whatever exaggeratedly vague description you like. Well, yesterday it really happened to me up here in North Pole, AK. A tween girl came up to the desk and asked if we had a book that she'd read before that was red. (I was not the most successful in containing my amusement. A smirk emerged, but only the slightest of snorts escaped.) She continued that it was about horses and was something like "Horse Gentler". My co-worker and I both jumped on it, Read More

Be the first to comment

DANGEROUS DISPATCH FROM ATLANTIC SHORES #1

September 18, 2014

We Are Warned

The First in a Series of Sea Creature Obituaries by the elusive Kate C concerning Gourmet Lunches, the Lack of Perks for Guest Bloggers, the Under-Representation of Guest Bloggers at Staff Meetings, Expenses Run Rampant, Bankruptcy, the Eating Habits of Large Aquatic Predators, Kayaks as Snacks, and Fear of Death.

Dear Robin,

In response to your Fish Obituaries' lunch meeting--a meeting (1) to which I was not invited, and (2) in which the amount of discussion about lunch roughly equaled the amount of discussion about blog ratings--I propose that you increase your focus on hot topics in the news. (I have to ask, was the lunch paid for out of blog income? I sincerely hope not. As a bankruptcy lawyer, I can just see where this is going.)

In my hometown of Scituate, we are in the throes of a crisis. A great white shark has possibly been spotted just off of our shores, Read More

1 Comments

Post a comment

OBITS LUNCH MEETING #1

September 17, 2014

LUNCHTIME at FISH OBITS

The First in a Series of Fish Obits Staff Lunch Meetings, notes taken by Cousin Rob, as well as Margaret, and Robin concerning Google Searches and Supremacy, Lofty Goals and Deep Disappointments, Inter-state Rivalry , Vegetarianism, Soy Milk, Germs, The Omnipresence of Death, and Arriving at a Meeting of the Minds.

Rob: So #1 on the Agenda is Fish Obits' Google Ratings fluctuations. We all know the goal. The Good News: we made it to the #1 slot for the Google Search Term, "Fish Obituaries."

Margaret: Fantastic. But I always thought we were #1 anyway. Who cares about Google? Who made them Queen for a day? Ok, everyone, here are the sandwiches. Read More

2 Comments

Post a comment

ALMOST COMPLETELY NOT FICTION / FARM STORY #1

September 15, 2014

PETTING ZOO ESCAPEE

The First in a Series of Farm Stories relating to Corn Fields, Innate Self-knowledge, Farm Boys, Lost and Found Objects,Fast Food as Absolutely Delicious, Make-shift Corrals, the Satisfactions of Instinct and the Love of Privacy:

1. Rosie, the Australia cattle dog, and Pearl, the mostly-always-dirty mid-western mutt, were walking through Mike's Maze on Saturday morning, well before the Public arrived for a day of fun in the sun in a cornfield. Their handler/ dog walker had not realized that the 10+ members of Mike's Petting Zoo had been dropped off and penned at Mike's Farm Yard the night before, under the veil of darkness: a gang of tiny newly-shorn lambs, several fat sheep, a few bearded goats, a shaggy pony and one Huge Texas Longhorn. Read More

2 Comments

Post a comment

RODENTS IN THE MILLIONS / BIG APPLE DISPATCH

September 11, 2014

MAMA RAT caring lovingly for RAT BABY

The SECOND in a Series of Rodent Obits. (We expect another from Debbie soon since she knows which one I mean) this one by the mysterious Kate C (who still has not found a pen name) CONCERNING CONFLICT: the Joys v. Perils of New York City, Natural v. Unnatural Deaths, Cockroaches v. Rats, Mice v. Cats, Traps v. Garbage v. Overpopulation, Los Angeles v. The Big Apple , Afterlife v. Reincarnation, and "Everything is just Fine" v. "What's Wrong with People?"

It is with great alarm that I write to report an extremely serious problem happening even as we speak in New York City. There are rats in my son’s apartment. (There is apparently no point in even mentioning the cockroaches, which, I am informed, pale in comparison to rats. Until now, I was unaware of there were degrees of difference between rats and cockroaches on the scale of disgusting things.) The landlord was notified. Read More

4 Comments

Post a comment

FAIRBANKS CHIMES IN

September 9, 2014

Harvest Moon Making Trouble

A long awaited post from Original Fish Obits editor Margaret Eagleton, a librarian in Fairbanks, Alaska, (yes, some knew Sarah Palin when she was banning books) concerning Adoptions, Renewals, Lost, Found and Damaged Objects, Crank Calls, Starvation, Stand-offs, Lock-downs, Meeting Etiquette, Sudden Blindness and Full Moons.

At work today nearly every odd thing one can imagine walked in the door. Adopt-an-author payment, non-resident card renewal, partial payment on a bill, damaged item payment, lost item payment, a couple of Spanish speakers trying to get a new card with an address problem, a guy who left his cell phone somewhere and he kept borrowing the phone calling it only to find that it went straight to voice mail Read More

2 Comments

Post a comment

REPTILES IN SPACE #1

September 9, 2014

REPTILES IN FLIGHT: "All geckos, unfortunately, died." -- Roscosmos, Russian Space Agency

An Open Letter responding to The Devil Talks Back by Fish Obits' Russian Correspondent, Kate C, the concerning Geckos in Orbit, Sex and Death in the Name of Google Ratings, Principles on a Sliding Scale, Inertia, Invasion, and Responsibility to Expose the Horrors.

Dear Mr. S.,

I really feel that you and I can talk openly. I know Robin is having this whole internal conflict over Google Analytics and pandering to improve her blog ratings but I am totally on board with YOUR way of thinking. More sex and death is just what Doctor Google ordered. And when you add geckos in outer space and you have yourself a rocket ship to the top of the ratings heap. Read More

2 Comments

Post a comment

INANIMATE OBIT #1/ THE CANE / YOUNG TALENT

September 8, 2014

Where could it be? Photo by Michael Carolan

The first in a Series of Young Genius Posts, this one by Sophie M/C concerning Impersonation of the Elderly, Lost and Found Objects, Blabber-mouth Sisters, Grief, Apologies, as wells as The Omnipresence of Death, and Looking Toward the Future.

This summer when I went to New Hampshire I had my uncle widdle me a cane. My cousin Johnathan and I played old people together. He’d say things like “Margret, have you been snack’n on them grahm crackers again?” And then I’d say stuff like “I’ve gotta run to the store and get some of them painkillers.” We had so much fun together. I took my little cane everywhere I went. Read More

3 Comments

Post a comment

RUN RUN RUN / BAD DOG #151

September 6, 2014

RONNY before he turned BAD. Photo by Rob McLean

A random selection from the deluge of BAD DOG stories that have been pouring onto the Fish Obits desk, this one by Cousin Rob , a frequent and vital editor/contributor with a European perspective, concerning The Persistent Desire to Roam Free, the Persistent Desire to Prevent Others from Exercising the Persistent Desire, Missions Accomplished, DNA, Denial as to Rabbits, and Corn Fields.

My dog's name (until further notice) is Ronny. He's a year old now. He's really fast. By “really fast”, what I mean to say is that I can't bike faster than he can run. By “I can't bike faster than he can run” what I mean to say is that I can't do it safely. He is a herding dog (Australian shepherd) and apparently, 86% of their DNA is focused on Not Allowing Breakaways. In other words, their goal in life is to smother the Persistent Desire to Roam Free. This includes bikes that have their owners on it. Read More

Be the first to comment

FISH OBITUARIES (RESURRECTED)

Archives