The First in a Series of Fish Obits Staff Lunch Meetings, notes taken by Cousin Rob, as well as Margaret, and Robin concerning Google Searches and Supremacy, Lofty Goals and Deep Disappointments, Inter-state Rivalry , Vegetarianism, Soy Milk, Germs, The Omnipresence of Death, and Arriving at a Meeting of the Minds.
Rob: So #1 on the Agenda is Fish Obits' Google Ratings fluctuations. We all know the goal. The Good News: we made it to the #1 slot for the Google Search Term, "Fish Obituaries."
Margaret: Fantastic. But I always thought we were #1 anyway. Who cares about Google? Who made them Queen for a day? Ok, everyone, here are the sandwiches.
Robin: Chicken salad? Forget it. Where's the veggie?
Rob: The Bad News is that we were only NUMBER ONE for like thirty seconds. Now the Weed-Corely-Fish Funeral Homes in Austin, Texas have us beat again. An embalming franchise. Fish Obits has slumped to the #4 slot.
Margaret: Texas stinks! Alaska Rocks!
Robin: Look at this carnage!
Margaret: Just eat the chicken salad. Think of it as honoring the dead.
Robin: What else did you order? Let's see the bag.
Rob: And the WORST is that we just can't let down our guard. If we fail to produce scintillating posts for the blog everyday, if we fail to BOW and SCRAPE to the digital world, we lose our hard-earned spot near the top. The book goes up in flames, down the tubes, out to lunch, every failure-cliche you can think of.
Margaret: Fish Obits is THE BEST in our own hearts. That's really all that matters. Our families love us. Our pets, a few friends. Ok, ok, unwrap this one.
Robin: Tuna. No. Am I not getting my message across? Kara's fish post really got me in the gut.
Rob: How can we thrive with this PRESSURE? How can we SCINTILLATE day-in and day-out? Are we made of ideas? Don't we need STIMULATION? Don't we need OUTSIDE ENERGY? Kate and Margaret are really coming through, but all our other guest bloggers have gotten quiet. We have not heard from Debbie in weeks about the guppy genocide. Tim has never posted at all.
Margaret: He's a vegan. We all know what he's going to say.
Robin: He thinks his dissertation on racism and oppression is more important.
Rob: We have to DO something soon.
Robin: I think we should vote to make the Fish Obits a Soy Milk-Only office.
Margaret: That could really cause a stir.
Rob: You can't really trust elections anymore. Those voting machines are all rigged.
Robin: Then we should ask all our readers to comment on a Soy Milk Only Designation.
Margaret: Especially those guys down in Brazil who, according to Google Analytics, are only on the blog for like 2 seconds. How do they read so fast?
Rob: No one reads comment sections. Satan has not posted in 10 days. Or Uncle Marsh. Where are all our people?
Margaret: I read comment sections. Here, try this one on rye.
Robin: I can't mix food groups like this.
Margaret: Ok, ok. Try this one. It's the last in the bag.
Robin: You already bit into it.
Rob: I feel we are heading straight into Blog Obscurity. I feel the rising risk of Blog Death.
Margaret: I did not bite into it.
Robin: Someone did.
Margaret: And even if I did, what cooties do you think you'll get from me? We've known each other for 40 years.
Robin: I just wish the bagel shop had made it. I loved the everything bagel with garlic cream cheese.
Margaret: A cow suffered for that dairy product.
Robin: I'm not a vegan. I'm not there yet.
Rob: So we've decided, right? To find a New Unstoppable Strategy for Google Search Supremacy?
Margaret: We need pizza.
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A short meeting and parting
If you would like to contribute a fish (or reptile) obituary to this blog, please post a comment below with the basics.
Robin McLean also blogs at Mike's Maze.